Act 2…Go!

Same duck, different pond.

Sunday I called what will be my last show for a while. Or forever. I don’t know.

I was overwhelmed by the emotions – trying to find ways to say goodbye to something that has defined me while also troubleshooting because the projector stopped working four minutes into the show (and why go out with a whimper when you can go out with a bang). I was both grieving the end of something deeply meaningful and experiencing deep seated relief that it was over. I cried. And when people asked what I was doing next, I was evasive and non-committal.

About a year ago I started applying for other jobs – mostly still in theatre – that would give me some amount of stability, take me off the road, and lighten the strain on my body and mind. But I had committed to a full season of shows that I felt strongly about seeing through, so at least in part due to my own stubbornness about scheduling, none of the jobs I applied to and interviewed for panned out.

Stage management was my career – yes – but it was also my life and my identity. You need look no farther than my social media accounts which all proclaim me @smlois. In these past 15 years I have had the privilege of stage managing 95 dance, theatre and opera productions. I was on track to celebrate show 100 this year. Yet over the past few years a shift has been happening: I have been less satisfied with both the work and the conditions under which it is performed.

I’ve grown weary of being on the road 6 months each year and missing the important dates in the lives of my friends and their kids (Seriously though: When a 3-year old turns to you and in her most serious of tones says “Auntie Lois, you weren’t at [other child]’s birthday party and we all missed you VERY MUCH” it makes it crystal clear that you’ve missed too many important moments.) I’ve grown weary of volunteering for boards and committees with hopes to make things better and failing. I’ve grown weary of being subjected to verbal abuse over the phone and in public places and in my work place for things beyond my control. I’ve grown weary of feeling that I was carrying shows and processes through to opening at the expense of my mental health. And something inside me broke.

Today I started a new job with the city of Burnaby. I wasn’t allowed to talk about it until after I’d started (for various HR reasons) and I’m still waiting for someone to pinch me because this doesn’t feel real. I’m reunited with my former Fringe Festival colleague and mentor David Jordan and am overseeing festivals and arts events. My official job title is Special Events Officer. If you come to a concert at Deer Lake Park, that’s one of my projects. Same with the summer movies in Civic Square and Burnaby Blooms. As one friend pointed out, I’ll be much easier to hang out with now. He meant it in terms of my schedule and availability, but the truth is that I will likely also be nicer to be around as I release the burnout that has been slowly eating away at a career I loved and leaving stress and tears in its wake.

It’s a big shift for me: I have a desk – an office! – and a regular-ish schedule (business cards and a fancy photo city ID are forthcoming!). The work itself is not such a big shift – I’m still organizing things and people, utilizing my schedule making skills, and supporting artistic projects through logistics.

Ritual moments.

I took yesterday off – to ground myself and to acknowledge the transition. I went for a massage and had lunch with one of my best friends. And then I went to the woods, to a relatively easy to access waterfall, to ceremonially/ritually embrace this transition. I sat at the falls and spoke my gratitude: for the friends I’ve made, places I’ve visited, and stories I’ve told. I lit a candle. I journaled. I picked up a small rock to set on my new desk to mark the transition. And I raised a glass of Prosecco to toast a wide open future.

I don’t know what twists and turns await me down this new path, but for the first time in a while I am excited to encounter them. And if you find yourself doing a show at the Shadbolt or you come to a concert or celebrate Canada Day in Burnaby, please let me know – I’d love to say hi!